Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Life works

I care what people think.

I'm not supposed to, or so I'm told. I think if I stop caring what people think I might even stop caring about people. How am I going to continue to understand why people do and say and feel the way they do if I disregard their opinions simply because it might hurt to know those opinions?

I should add, I don't care if you don't like me. I do care if you take time out from your life to hurt me. Knowing this prevents me from nurturing toxic relationships. It also helps guide me towards beautiful people, with honest and kind souls.

If it weren't for all the caring about other people, I might not be who I am. I might not show the compassion I do. I might not be emotionally available to those who I can learn from and even teach.

Human connections are how I breathe.

Loneliness isn't being alone. It's feeling alone. And disconnecting to protect myself will absolutely lead to loneliness.

So I care what people think. I care about people, and not just myself.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Constant is Still "Change"

Life had a way of actually being right side up even when it feels upside down. I learned that all over again this month. I had a terrible job. It was there when I needed it but was also slowly turning me into someone I was ashamed of. I like to think I have enough integrity to be myself and still manage to avoid hurting others in my attempts to achieve personal success. So I quit. I didn't even have a new job yet. It was not a blind risk. I had been on one interview. It worked out, and I began a new job last week. I'm excited about the opportunity to continue growing. Its a new beginning for me.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Blown Away

I can not begin to describe 
the overwhelming affect 
this song has on me and my girls.  

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Slammed against a wall

Again I have managed to live too fast to stop and blog.  I love the feeling blogging brings but I rarely make the time anymore.  I started a job a year ago, promoted and acquired a raise and have recently hit the glass ceiling.  I am completing the last 6 units of my first "year" of college this semester.  I have a 4.0 still.  I have my son attending 1st grade, after beginning this year as a kindergarten.  He promoted too!  These things have taken all of my focus.

Well, let's be honest.  Work has taken all of my focus.  I work with a group of young girls.  Our boss is a man who does not actually participate in the work at our restaurant.  I'm not gonna sugar coat it, it's a freaking Subway.  I am an assistant manager at Subway.  That's about as cool as saying I got promoted at McDonald's from fry cook to drive-thru.  I got so excited about promoting quickly that I lost touch with why I work there to begin with.  I needed "currently employed" on my resume so prospective accounting departments and customer service departments in large corporations with benefits and opportunities for advancement wouldn't look at my very past tense previous employment as obsolete.  For a brief moment I became enraptured by the fact that stupid, brainless teenagers thought I was a cool manager. I thought that made me awesome.  I woke up recently, like Katy Perry, only not over a boy - over a job.  I'm wide awake.  I don't need to sell myself short for a stupid food service job when I have accounting experience, and sales experience and a fucking 4.0 in college.  I'm gonna own a business when I graduate, not work for one!  I forgot that for a moment and let the petty drama eat my soul.  The wake up call came from the flu this year.

I called in sick when Dash had a fever after the super bowl.  His fever did not get better for 6 straight days.  It was scary.  I stayed with him, nursing him like a good mother.  Emily came home from school sick a couple days later, developed pink eye and I took her to see the doctor, like a caring mother should.  Torin came home from school with a fever and red eyes and spent a few days sleeping on the couch too.  I really enjoyed the reminder of the heartwarming joy that comes from being home with my kids, taking care of them.  I appreciate day care for taking such great care of them when they are well, but when they are sick - they NEED mom.  This is where the straw that broke the camel's back comes in to play...

While driving home from the doctor's office my 55 year old store manager called me on my cell phone and shouted when I answered, "Do you still work for me or not?".
I answered timidly, because I was intimidated by his tone and distracted by the drive to the pharmacy to collect my daughter's prescriptions, "Um, of course I still do.  Why would you ask me that?"
He says then, "We are only allowed three absences in a month, you've been absent a whopping 6 times!"  (He is still shouting at me).
I reminded him, "My absences are excused by doctors notes and I have been in constant communication with my own boss regarding my kids being sick and the time off I need.  She and I have worked together to get all the shifts covered so that no day goes understaffed in my absence."
She shouts at me again, "You need to arrange better babysitters so you don't need tomorrow off too"
This is where I lost my nerve, "Excuse me?  Who do you suggest I arrange to take care of my four sick children?  Who did you have take care of your own kids when they stayed home sick?  I need a referral."
He says, "I am YOUR boss. I need proof your kids are sick."
I asserted again, "I already volunteered to bring you proof, you don't need to punish me for being a parent.  I was a mother when you hired me.  That responsibility has not changed."

After I hung up that call my daughter asked me in utter disbelief if that was my boss?  I am setting an example that employers are allowed to treat their staff this way.  She doesn't need to aspire to work in fast food, and certainly doesn't need to grow up expecting all the men in her life to abuse her.  Her father abused her, her boss should be allowed to abuse her, her husband will surely, with these examples, be allowed to abuse her too.  I need to refocus my attention on protecting them.  What's best for them will ultimately be what's best for me, as I am focused solely on raising them right and providing for them along the way.  My job is not about me.  I don't take them with me, but I bring them home the money.  I don't attend college for me, I go to obtain the credentials worthy of earning more to bring home to them.  They need college some day too, and dance costumes, sports uniforms, and lives of their own.  I can't provide for them if I don't first provide myself with opportunities to do so.

I bombarded a company with my resume today.  I used to work for their sister company.  I am familiar with their product line.  I am fluent in customer service, telesales, accounts payable, receivable and all the office programs required to reconcile those books if necessary.  I have a girlfriend who put in a good word.  I also spoke to both staffing agencies they use to hire.  In addition to that I spoke to the head of their HR department.  It's a pay cut from what I earn now, but it has full benefits, a 401K, and growth potential that far exceeds that available in a slamwitch store.

When you juggle as much responsibility as I do, it's easy to lose focus on the priorities.  My priorities are with my children.  They need me most.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Learning to Live

Play the song!  

Six months later ...

I have learned from everything and everyone that has crossed my path. I have learned that I can do anything. I have learned that I am worth everything. I have learned that my kids deserve the world.

I have learned to open the door and let whatever is behind it teach me. I have learned not to let the negative feelings and the fear of the unknown control me. 

I have learned that not everyone is a liar and going to hurt me.  I have learned not to judge people for their mistakes and learned not to allow them to judge me for mine.  

I have learned to let go and to LIVE.

Lessons that have changed me so much I hardly recognize 'her' in my reflection now at all. 

I am happy. I am learning not to be ashamed of my decisions or embarrassed of my mistakes.

In the last 2 months I have smiled more than ever and reconnected with pure laughter!  My cheeks hurt at the end of some days.

I made careless mistakes ...
I ran out of gas once. 
I left my headlights on once. 
I fell up the stairs once (maybe twice). 
I lost and found my drivers license.  
I sang karaoke - very very badly. 
I left the cap off the oil on my car.  

Yet, here I am - laughing about it. 

I am just so happy to be here and alive and finally, actually, really ... living.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Falling. No Matter How Hard.

No matter how cautious, no matter how prepared ... 

Life knocks you down.  

The bravest of us truly embrace the fall.  

Falling isn't a sign of weakness, 
It's a willingness to breathe the freedom of letting go.  

Standing in a safe place, 
never taking a risk, 
isn't freedom at all.  

It's a shackled existence bound to an inevitable end. 

Both frightening and exhilarating, falling is how we grow.  

Growing comes from enduring trials, 
overcoming obstacles, 
letting down our guards... 
and living life.  

Living not only in the moment,
but living in the present.  

Becoming who we are doesn't happen because of some mysterious plan;
It becomes of all the decisions and mistakes we make,
and how we chose to face the consequences.

As people we have a choice ...
Life life to the fullest - or simply die.

I choose to live. 

I will take the risks.  

I will let myself fall.  

I will grow from each new day.  

I will give everything I have to the unknown, 
and accept the outcome as how I am meant to 


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Just say "Yes"

I grew up in a sheltered little box.  I am not ashamed of that, but it is the truth.  I loved the security that came from always knowing exactly what to expect from life.  I was comfortable for a long time.  There were things I never tried; things I never cared to experience.  I wasn't missing out on things I knew nothing of...

That's all over now.  

I moved to this little mountain town a couple years ago and until six months ago, I only left my house to go to the library and the grocery store.  I had no idea what I was missing.  This place has so much more to live for than I ever dreamed possible.   It wasn't until recently that I decided to try new things as often as possible.  At the time, I had no idea what I was in for.

Now, when someone suggests I should try something new I jump at the chance.  I find a way to say "Yes".  I've broken out of my shell and am living as hard as I can, while I can.  I had this crazy idea that I had to wait until all my kids were in college to start living for me.  I was so far from right, it's a shame.  I can live for them and for me.  It's a simple matter of working that balance.

I am grateful for every new opportunity that's come along.  Sure, it's a little scary to just say yes and run with it... but it's equally exhilarating too.  So to the future for my life, now I say ... BRING IT ON!