Dear Santa

I have four amazingly different children.  Each one is incredibly smart, self confident, polite, caring, and honest.  They will defend me, and each other to the death if you challenge them.  Their loyalty to family is unmatched.  I suppose that comes with being young.  Our family has been through hell this year, and yet the children still stick together.  

My oldest daughter kept a very serious secret for as long as she could to protect her younger sister and brothers from losing their father.  She wanted to protect their family, at her own expense, unfortunately.  It was very sad.  She is much stronger than anyone thought possible.  She amazes me more every day.  

My youngest daughter believes in magic.  She wishes on stars, paints pictures of comets, dances without inhibition or rhythm, forgives everyone for everything and has a very big message for Santa this year.  The kids all sat down with their oldest sister and made up their Christmas lists.  They each thought of about 8 toys they wanted and she wrote them out for me to read.  They all thought these were their Santa lists but I misunderstood and sent them to my parents who had asked recently for short lists from each of them.  Last night I sat down on my bed with my youngest daughter who came to me looking very sad and wanted to talk.  

She was on the verge of tears and asked, "Mom, did you already send my list to Santa?"

"Well no, I thought that list was for Papa, so I sent it to him."

"Oh great!", she said with a huge sigh of relief.  "I need to send him a different letter.  I know he's going to send me toys and presents, and whatever he wants to send me, that's OK with me.  I was really, really good this year.  I think I want to send him a different kind of letter."

"Really? What do you mean?  What will your new letter say?", I asked.

"I only want one thing for Christmas, Mom.  I want to have my family.  I just miss them all and think Christmas should be having my family."

My three younger children did lose their father, consequently. It's still in the early stages of determining how much time they get with him, and I'm still very angry and don't trust him around any kids right now.  The entire conversation turned my whole heart inside out.  It poured out love for the forgiving innocence of a six year old wish.  It boiled over in fury for the man who ruined everything.  It folded inside out with nausea because there isn't forgiveness in my heart for him yet.  It made me want to cry.  

Naturally, I explained to my pretty blonde angel that she did have her family - not just for Christmas, but forever.  We will always be her mom, her grandma, her papa, her aunt, her cousin, her brother, her sister.  That little tie that binds us as family can never be broken by anything, not even a crime against another.  Family is always.  It hurt so much to tell her the truth.  I wanted to say, 'ya right, your dad sucks and you don't have to see him ever again'.  But then, reality set in, she will see him.  She does get to keep her family - in a very different way than she wanted, and she feels that heartache right now.

I want to take all their pain and confusion away.  I want to tell them every last disgusting detail so they will be as angry with that part of the family as I am.  I just can't do that to their innocent little hearts.  It isn't fair to tell them the whole truth.  Thank God kids are magic.  They believe in the impossible.  They have real faith and they love absolutely and unconditionally.  

Welcome Back to Reality

I have been out of work for a long time.  I have a valid reason, but during hard times like these, that fact does not matter very much.  Staying home and raising small children was a noble venture and I was proud to be a stay at home mom.  

I have read all the articles about working moms vs. stay at home moms - which consequently set women up against one another over such a personal decision it's unfair to continue to print the articles at all.  I often read them, shook my head at both sides, and resigned to not caring what anyone thought of my choice to stay home.  I also refused to take part in the battles to prove my job was harder or more valuable or more important.  I was bound to end up finding someone who disagreed.  I am also fairly certain her points to disagree would have been just as valid as mine.  It was, and still is, a never ending unfair argument.

While we are busy fighting each other over who has it best, and who has it hardest we are missing the opportunities to network our strengths and stand together.  Women are strong; we thrive on helping others.  And yet we consistently don't.  We fight over who has the best shoes, the best husband, the brightest kids, the shiniest car, the cutest handbag, the most notable charity, the highest salary, the best lawn, the saddest childhood, the hardest challenges, the biggest problem.  Shouldn't we be caring instead of hating?

I was offered a good job this week.  I am in no position to be turning one down; after all I have been unemployed for half a decade.  I did turn it down though.  It was the realization that I was interviewing the restaurant and not the other way around.  I have to work, sure, but not at the expense of all my resources.  I have reliable and regular daycare.  I am available. It would have been fun to work in a truck stop diner.  Unfortunately, nights and weekends are out of the question.  I need to reserve my back up babysitting for actual emergencies, not occasional evenings and, oops!, every weekend.  I can't go around burning bridges before they are even finished being built.

I will find a job that works for me.  I have applied at more jobs that I can count.  They range from restaurants to corporate firms, call centers to retail stores, part time to full time.  Something will work out.  I will not remain unemployed for long.  

I do know one thing.  All these folks collecting unemployment, complaining that their benefits expire and they cannot be renewed again; the one's who swear they can not find a job.  I have news for them.  They aren't looking hard enough.  There are so many jobs out there right now, despite the rise in statistics we hear on the news night after lonely night.  They may not be super high paying jobs, or even super exciting jobs.  But when you're hungry - why does all that pride matter?  

I am turning into a girl who refuses to be dependent on anyone but myself.  After a long battle for my identity, that much is becoming very clear.  I have to find something; anything.  I will make it work.  You won't see me standing by the side of the freeway holding a sign in this lifetime.  No matter how hard it gets, I'm just going to work harder.

When It Rains, It Snows!

I'm singing in the rain

Just singing in the rain

What a glorious feelin'

I'm happy again.

-Gene Kelly

In movies rain is often a sign that the characters are in some kind of transition... 

and it appears rain works that way in real life too!  

My whole life is truly in the midst of transition.  Sure, everything changed a few months ago, but it is the work that I put into my life now that causes the transition to actual real change.  Yesterday was tough because I dealt with difficult negotiations from dawn until dusk.  In the end, everything worked out beautifully - but it wasn't without a whole lot of effort.  I tried to maintain a positive attitude when all I wanted to maintain was a flying fist.   

Today, in the true spirit of a fresh start, the rain washed away all the negativity.  It was a welcome cleansing of bad energy.  And then the rain turned to snow.  It didn't stick to the ground long or leave us with a blissfully quiet white blanket, but it sparkled and fell so gracefully to the ground.  Snow is peaceful; I found peace in my decisions today.  I was able to look back on yesterday, kiss it goodbye, and breathe new life into the work today.

Next week begins a new chapter for us.    My boys will be in preschool and I will join the workforce again for the first time in nearly 8 years.  Being a stay at home mom was a joyful experience I would not trade back, but I am grateful for this new opportunity.  It will take me where I am most certainly headed. 

Hope!    Prosperity!    Joy!   

TIGF

My cousin has inspired me, and after the day I had today I cannot ignore the desire to just sit back and really appreciate all the things I am grateful for.  It's a much easier list to deal with than the things I'm upset about.  And to be honest, these days positive thinking really does make everything better.  Even the really challenging things.  So here goes!




1) Text messages.
They brighten my day!  Every single one of them makes me feel good!  I almost do a happy dance before I read them.  I admit it.  I am a text message addict.  I am glad they are unlimited!






2) A warm coat.
It's about as cold as I can handle outside and I actually leave the house now.  A warm coat is necessary and I'm so lucky to have one that keeps me warm.  I will never wear four sweaters at once again!

3) My sister.
If it weren't for her, I would have to be the republican in the family!  Seriously though, she also happens to be a pretty great role model.  I have looked up to her, despite being the oldest, for more years than I care to count.  She pretty much rocks at everything!

4) Tickle FIGGGGHT!
There is no better way to start the day, or end it.  We don't limit ourselves.  Anytime is a good time for an all out fit of the giggles.  We do it whenever the mood strikes.  I love that about my life.





5) Friends.
New friends.  Old friends.  Far away friends.  It's love.  What else can I say?

6) My family.
No, not the kids plus me.  (Well, yes, actually - them too!)  I'm grateful for the whole entire crew!  If it weren't for Facebook I might not see them as often... but that's OK.  I'll take them all however I can get them.

7) HelnGonz.
My dad used to be the coolest guy on earth.  Then he met the coolest chick on earth and now they're the coolest people alive!  Seriously folks, they're so cool they got married at Burning Man, that's cooler than being married by Elvis in Vegas.  Trust me!  Just look at their name.  If you haven't met HelnGonz you are missing out!



8) Tom Petty and Jimi Hendrix!
Day in, day out, since the beginning of time, those dudes have been rocking my house.  I could be on the floor in tears, and then snap out of it instantly with some truly amazing music!  Those two have been lifting my spirits forever.  Seriously.  I mean that.





9) Kisses.
Who doesn't like them?  I get them four times as often as anyone else I know!  Sure, they come with all kinds of sticky fingers and pancake slobber, but those are the greatest!  They would come right after tickle fights if I had to rank these in some kind of preferential order!  Kisses.  Can't live without them.

10) My kids.
They make me Craisy.  They make me smile.  They make my whole entire world better.  These Littles have my heart; my everything.  They are my sun!  I am their sun!  It works.  I have nothing but love for these guys.

Who Really Knows What's Best?

Isn't all of life just a series of trials and errors?  

We go into situations with the best of intentions hoping

 for the greatest possible outcome.
We never know what that outcome will be.  

We're human.  

We make mistakes, 

we leap before we look sometimes 

and we don't always calculate all the possibilities in advance.  

Sometimes we think we know what's best for us and we're wrong.  

Sometimes we do what's best and face intense criticism from our loved ones who may disagree.  

No matter what, 

the outcome is going to be what's best. 

And this is true because we learn.  

Every mistake, 

every error, 

every victory, 

every experience we have as people really, 

teaches us something.  

And learning is at the very core of what makes us so special in this universe.  

We don't just run around on nothing but instinct. 

We live.  We love.  We get hurt.  We make mistakes.  We teach.  We grow.  We learn.  

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