Life works

I care what people think.

I'm not supposed to, or so I'm told. I think if I stop caring what people think I might even stop caring about people. How am I going to continue to understand why people do and say and feel the way they do if I disregard their opinions simply because it might hurt to know those opinions?

I should add, I don't care if you don't like me. I do care if you take time out from your life to hurt me. Knowing this prevents me from nurturing toxic relationships. It also helps guide me towards beautiful people, with honest and kind souls.

If it weren't for all the caring about other people, I might not be who I am. I might not show the compassion I do. I might not be emotionally available to those who I can learn from and even teach.

Human connections are how I breathe.

Loneliness isn't being alone. It's feeling alone. And disconnecting to protect myself will absolutely lead to loneliness.

So I care what people think. I care about people, and not just myself.

The Constant is Still "Change"

Life had a way of actually being right side up even when it feels upside down. I learned that all over again this month. I had a terrible job. It was there when I needed it but was also slowly turning me into someone I was ashamed of. I like to think I have enough integrity to be myself and still manage to avoid hurting others in my attempts to achieve personal success. So I quit. I didn't even have a new job yet. It was not a blind risk. I had been on one interview. It worked out, and I began a new job last week. I'm excited about the opportunity to continue growing. Its a new beginning for me.

Blown Away

I can not begin to describe 

the overwhelming affect 

this song has on me and my girls.  

Slammed against a wall

Again I have managed to live too fast to stop and blog.  I love the feeling blogging brings but I rarely make the time anymore.  I started a job a year ago, promoted and acquired a raise and have recently hit the glass ceiling.  I am completing the last 6 units of my first "year" of college this semester.  I have a 4.0 still.  I have my son attending 1st grade, after beginning this year as a kindergarten.  He promoted too!  These things have taken all of my focus.

Well, let's be honest.  Work has taken all of my focus.  I work with a group of young girls.  Our boss is a man who does not actually participate in the work at our restaurant.  I'm not gonna sugar coat it, it's a freaking Subway.  I am an assistant manager at Subway.  That's about as cool as saying I got promoted at McDonald's from fry cook to drive-thru.  I got so excited about promoting quickly that I lost touch with why I work there to begin with.  I needed "currently employed" on my resume so prospective accounting departments and customer service departments in large corporations with benefits and opportunities for advancement wouldn't look at my very past tense previous employment as obsolete.  For a brief moment I became enraptured by the fact that stupid, brainless teenagers thought I was a cool manager. I thought that made me awesome.  I woke up recently, like Katy Perry, only not over a boy - over a job.  I'm wide awake.  I don't need to sell myself short for a stupid food service job when I have accounting experience, and sales experience and a fucking 4.0 in college.  I'm gonna own a business when I graduate, not work for one!  I forgot that for a moment and let the petty drama eat my soul.  The wake up call came from the flu this year.

I called in sick when Dash had a fever after the super bowl.  His fever did not get better for 6 straight days.  It was scary.  I stayed with him, nursing him like a good mother.  Emily came home from school sick a couple days later, developed pink eye and I took her to see the doctor, like a caring mother should.  Torin came home from school with a fever and red eyes and spent a few days sleeping on the couch too.  I really enjoyed the reminder of the heartwarming joy that comes from being home with my kids, taking care of them.  I appreciate day care for taking such great care of them when they are well, but when they are sick - they NEED mom.  This is where the straw that broke the camel's back comes in to play...

While driving home from the doctor's office my 55 year old store manager called me on my cell phone and shouted when I answered, "Do you still work for me or not?".
I answered timidly, because I was intimidated by his tone and distracted by the drive to the pharmacy to collect my daughter's prescriptions, "Um, of course I still do.  Why would you ask me that?"
He says then, "We are only allowed three absences in a month, you've been absent a whopping 6 times!"  (He is still shouting at me).
I reminded him, "My absences are excused by doctors notes and I have been in constant communication with my own boss regarding my kids being sick and the time off I need.  She and I have worked together to get all the shifts covered so that no day goes understaffed in my absence."
She shouts at me again, "You need to arrange better babysitters so you don't need tomorrow off too"
This is where I lost my nerve, "Excuse me?  Who do you suggest I arrange to take care of my four sick children?  Who did you have take care of your own kids when they stayed home sick?  I need a referral."
He says, "I am YOUR boss. I need proof your kids are sick."
I asserted again, "I already volunteered to bring you proof, you don't need to punish me for being a parent.  I was a mother when you hired me.  That responsibility has not changed."

After I hung up that call my daughter asked me in utter disbelief if that was my boss?  I am setting an example that employers are allowed to treat their staff this way.  She doesn't need to aspire to work in fast food, and certainly doesn't need to grow up expecting all the men in her life to abuse her.  Her father abused her, her boss should be allowed to abuse her, her husband will surely, with these examples, be allowed to abuse her too.  I need to refocus my attention on protecting them.  What's best for them will ultimately be what's best for me, as I am focused solely on raising them right and providing for them along the way.  My job is not about me.  I don't take them with me, but I bring them home the money.  I don't attend college for me, I go to obtain the credentials worthy of earning more to bring home to them.  They need college some day too, and dance costumes, sports uniforms, and lives of their own.  I can't provide for them if I don't first provide myself with opportunities to do so.

I bombarded a company with my resume today.  I used to work for their sister company.  I am familiar with their product line.  I am fluent in customer service, telesales, accounts payable, receivable and all the office programs required to reconcile those books if necessary.  I have a girlfriend who put in a good word.  I also spoke to both staffing agencies they use to hire.  In addition to that I spoke to the head of their HR department.  It's a pay cut from what I earn now, but it has full benefits, a 401K, and growth potential that far exceeds that available in a slamwitch store.

When you juggle as much responsibility as I do, it's easy to lose focus on the priorities.  My priorities are with my children.  They need me most.

Learning to Live

Play the song!  

Six months later ...

I have learned from everything and everyone that has crossed my path. I have learned that I can do anything. I have learned that I am worth everything. I have learned that my kids deserve the world.

I have learned to open the door and let whatever is behind it teach me. I have learned not to let the negative feelings and the fear of the unknown control me. 

I have learned that not everyone is a liar and going to hurt me.  I have learned not to judge people for their mistakes and learned not to allow them to judge me for mine.  

I have learned to let go and to LIVE.

Lessons that have changed me so much I hardly recognize 'her' in my reflection now at all. 

I am happy. I am learning not to be ashamed of my decisions or embarrassed of my mistakes.

In the last 2 months I have smiled more than ever and reconnected with pure laughter!  My cheeks hurt at the end of some days.

I made careless mistakes ...

I ran out of gas once. 

I left my headlights on once. 

I fell up the stairs once (maybe twice). 

I lost and found my drivers license.  

I sang karaoke - very very badly. 

I left the cap off the oil on my car.  

Yet, here I am - laughing about it. 

I am just so happy to be here and alive and finally, actually, really ... living.

Falling. No Matter How Hard.

No matter how cautious, no matter how prepared ... 

Life knocks you down.  

The bravest of us truly embrace the fall.  

Falling isn't a sign of weakness, 

It's a willingness to breathe the freedom of letting go.  

Standing in a safe place, 

never taking a risk, 

isn't freedom at all.  

It's a shackled existence bound to an inevitable end. 

Both frightening and exhilarating, falling is how we grow.  

Growing comes from enduring trials, 

overcoming obstacles, 

letting down our guards... 

and living life.  

Living not only in the moment,

but living in the present.  

Becoming who we are doesn't happen because of some mysterious plan;

It becomes of all the decisions and mistakes we make,

and how we chose to face the consequences.

As people we have a choice ...

Life life to the fullest - or simply die.

I choose to live. 

I will take the risks.  

I will let myself fall.  

I will grow from each new day.  

I will give everything I have to the unknown, 

and accept the outcome as how I am meant to 

BECOME.  

Just say "Yes"

I grew up in a sheltered little box.  I am not ashamed of that, but it is the truth.  I loved the security that came from always knowing exactly what to expect from life.  I was comfortable for a long time.  There were things I never tried; things I never cared to experience.  I wasn't missing out on things I knew nothing of...

That's all over now.  

I moved to this little mountain town a couple years ago and until six months ago, I only left my house to go to the library and the grocery store.  I had no idea what I was missing.  This place has so much more to live for than I ever dreamed possible.   It wasn't until recently that I decided to try new things as often as possible.  At the time, I had no idea what I was in for.

Now, when someone suggests I should try something new I jump at the chance.  I find a way to say "Yes".  I've broken out of my shell and am living as hard as I can, while I can.  I had this crazy idea that I had to wait until all my kids were in college to start living for me.  I was so far from right, it's a shame.  I can live for them and for me.  It's a simple matter of working that balance.

I am grateful for every new opportunity that's come along.  Sure, it's a little scary to just say yes and run with it... but it's equally exhilarating too.  So to the future for my life, now I say ... BRING IT ON!

Scouts

I learned that a Scout is a truck, not at all like a Jeep.  (and if you call it one a Scout owner is bound to kick you out of his truck)

                                                                                                                   I learned that climbing rocks while riding shotgun 

in a Scout is one hell of a good time.

I learned that when you go out 4 wheeling, something always breaks 

and that alone is not enough to end the adventure.

I also learned that demolition
doesn't always involve an arena.  

Sometimes it starts with a broken truck.   (a Jeep in this case; one that had it coming - or so I'm told by a Scout owner)



I learned that riding shotgun during a demolition is way more fun than watching!

Best of all I learned that a Jeep is much smaller than my car.
Well, this one is now anyway!

Drive

I don't know how tomorrow will end, but I am excited to face it head on! I am learning to embrace the power I have to make the changes in my life happen.  I sometimes need to remind myself that I am the one in the driver's seat.  

I have spent the last few months taking on new challenges, meeting new people, making a few new friends and building a life of my own with one new experience at a time.  I realized that God didn't shut a door and open a window, he shut a window and opened a hundred doors.  Every person I've talked with recently has heard me say it.  I am embracing that with everything in me.  Every day is a chance to try something new!

  

Last week I was invited to go 4 wheeling with a crowd of people almost 50 strong!  I thought to myself 'Now that's something I have never done before'.  It's completely different from the kinds of invitations I normally encounter and I am really excited about that.  In the past I would have declined.  I admit it took me several days to realize how important it was to me that I accept the invite and so I quickly arranged to co-op some babysitting with a good friend.

Tomorrow I will walk through one of those "hundred doors".  I am nervous and excited and grateful for the whole opportunity to participate. Most of all I am looking forward to the adrenaline rush that comes with trying new things. 

Birthday Magic

A little girl 

With a brilliant smile

Turns seven today.

She sings when no one is listening.

She dances when no one is watching.

She rocks out on the piano and the guitar.

Her heart loves without abandon.

She tells the truth without regret.

She has faith stronger than anything.

A day devoted to her every whim, 

Every desire. 

A day she'll live joyfully.

A day to remember forever.

Happy Birthday

Precious Rockstar!

Craisy about Christmas, Craisy for life!

This is a time of year when Christians come out in droves to tell about the coming of their savior.  A birthday.  A day I believe is celebrated like Presidents Day ... not on an actual date, but a day of remembrance - despite it's clear misplacement on a calendar.  (The census that drew them to Jerusalem was a springtime event, after all.)  I am not discounting religion, it too has it's place during this holiday season.  I do believe in God.  I do believe that all paths to God are worthy ones.  I don't believe in the corporate control over organized religion.  I am one who thinks it's just as noble to celebrate God in the quiet of your home as it is to sing in a choir of 500 others on a Sunday morning.  To each their own path; this is after all, a free nation.  I am hoping to highlight another side of the holidays.   

As a mother to four angels, 'tis the season to be watching endless movies starring Santa and his entourage.  The holidays, after all, aren't over. There's the wise men, the feast, the New Year's Eve thing at Time Square - to name a few stops on the seasonal celebratory calendar.  Anyone who put their tree away already is really missing out on the 12 days of Christmas.  Once the shopping is done and Santa shows up, some people like to just hurry up and quit the holiday altogether.  I blame that on the malls.  They pump us full of impulse shopping highs, so naturally we crash as soon as the last gift in unwrapped.  

But I'm the Christmas Chick.  Christmas Craisy.  Call me whatever you want, Christmas, I can do!!!  We celebrate Christmas in stages in my family.  Christmas part two will be on Friday the 6th, as it should be.  We'll drink cider, toast to our love for each other, relish in the gratitude that comes from all the fine things we now aspire to become.  

There's a great line in a fun Christmas movie called "Elf".  Perhaps you've heard of it?  

I like to smile, I like to see smiles, I like the contagious nature of smiling.  I like the joy; the pure happiness it creates.  You can smile on your darkest day, and for that moment you won't be able to deny that it does actually feel a little better.  You can smile at a miserable old man too and chances are, he will indeed smile back.  Smiles are everything. 

Christmas isn't just a season of giving and receiving, as we have all come to know it as.  Christmas is a children's holiday, predating Christianity.  It's a holiday we all should remember begins and ends with children, their smiles and their very nature to experience unabashed joy at the delight of their families!  Children understand the holiday season to be much more than a trip to the mall and a late night of wrapping gifts and bandaging paper cuts.  They behave to the best of their abilities and hope to be rewarded for that with a gift, sure, but more importantly they expect to be loved, hugged and cherished.  They long to be with the people they care for and they delight in the togetherness the holiday brings.  They anticipate kind words in a Christmas card and happily bake cookies for the man in the red suit who took the time to notice how good they are.  

Children sing songs and smile and live every single day with that same joyful smile we plaster on our faces one morning a year.  If we can channel the generosity and joy of a child, we can truly appreciate Christmas for what it is.  Next year, I hope to live every day with that kind of hopefulness.  I don't intend to allow the spirit of the season to fade and then somehow mystically return again for a few weeks next winter.  Christmas marks one day in a long year.  It is my opinion that every day should be lived, not just to it's fullest, but to it's most joyful.  

From Scratch

The holidays are here and a new year is approaching.  This is a time to reflect on the past, face the future and appreciate all the blessings life has served up in a year.  

It's not an easy task, amid the hustle and frenzy, to be truly appreciative and joyful.  Children have it easiest this time of year.  They're allowed, even encouraged, to feel it genuinely.

My life, this year, marks a stop in the road, a landmark - if you will.  Starting over from scratch is no easy task, and yet I've been happy, grateful and positive about it from day one.  

God didn't shut the door and open a window, he shut a window and opened a hundred doors.  

All this hard work is shaping me into a person I can face in the mirror.  I stand back and honestly admit that I am better off at rock bottom than I was at the highest point with "him".  

I could not be more grateful for the lemons life handed me!

I am starting from scratch.  

I could not be more blessed in this fact.

Dear Santa

I have four amazingly different children.  Each one is incredibly smart, self confident, polite, caring, and honest.  They will defend me, and each other to the death if you challenge them.  Their loyalty to family is unmatched.  I suppose that comes with being young.  Our family has been through hell this year, and yet the children still stick together.  

My oldest daughter kept a very serious secret for as long as she could to protect her younger sister and brothers from losing their father.  She wanted to protect their family, at her own expense, unfortunately.  It was very sad.  She is much stronger than anyone thought possible.  She amazes me more every day.  

My youngest daughter believes in magic.  She wishes on stars, paints pictures of comets, dances without inhibition or rhythm, forgives everyone for everything and has a very big message for Santa this year.  The kids all sat down with their oldest sister and made up their Christmas lists.  They each thought of about 8 toys they wanted and she wrote them out for me to read.  They all thought these were their Santa lists but I misunderstood and sent them to my parents who had asked recently for short lists from each of them.  Last night I sat down on my bed with my youngest daughter who came to me looking very sad and wanted to talk.  

She was on the verge of tears and asked, "Mom, did you already send my list to Santa?"

"Well no, I thought that list was for Papa, so I sent it to him."

"Oh great!", she said with a huge sigh of relief.  "I need to send him a different letter.  I know he's going to send me toys and presents, and whatever he wants to send me, that's OK with me.  I was really, really good this year.  I think I want to send him a different kind of letter."

"Really? What do you mean?  What will your new letter say?", I asked.

"I only want one thing for Christmas, Mom.  I want to have my family.  I just miss them all and think Christmas should be having my family."

My three younger children did lose their father, consequently. It's still in the early stages of determining how much time they get with him, and I'm still very angry and don't trust him around any kids right now.  The entire conversation turned my whole heart inside out.  It poured out love for the forgiving innocence of a six year old wish.  It boiled over in fury for the man who ruined everything.  It folded inside out with nausea because there isn't forgiveness in my heart for him yet.  It made me want to cry.  

Naturally, I explained to my pretty blonde angel that she did have her family - not just for Christmas, but forever.  We will always be her mom, her grandma, her papa, her aunt, her cousin, her brother, her sister.  That little tie that binds us as family can never be broken by anything, not even a crime against another.  Family is always.  It hurt so much to tell her the truth.  I wanted to say, 'ya right, your dad sucks and you don't have to see him ever again'.  But then, reality set in, she will see him.  She does get to keep her family - in a very different way than she wanted, and she feels that heartache right now.

I want to take all their pain and confusion away.  I want to tell them every last disgusting detail so they will be as angry with that part of the family as I am.  I just can't do that to their innocent little hearts.  It isn't fair to tell them the whole truth.  Thank God kids are magic.  They believe in the impossible.  They have real faith and they love absolutely and unconditionally.  

Welcome Back to Reality

I have been out of work for a long time.  I have a valid reason, but during hard times like these, that fact does not matter very much.  Staying home and raising small children was a noble venture and I was proud to be a stay at home mom.  

I have read all the articles about working moms vs. stay at home moms - which consequently set women up against one another over such a personal decision it's unfair to continue to print the articles at all.  I often read them, shook my head at both sides, and resigned to not caring what anyone thought of my choice to stay home.  I also refused to take part in the battles to prove my job was harder or more valuable or more important.  I was bound to end up finding someone who disagreed.  I am also fairly certain her points to disagree would have been just as valid as mine.  It was, and still is, a never ending unfair argument.

While we are busy fighting each other over who has it best, and who has it hardest we are missing the opportunities to network our strengths and stand together.  Women are strong; we thrive on helping others.  And yet we consistently don't.  We fight over who has the best shoes, the best husband, the brightest kids, the shiniest car, the cutest handbag, the most notable charity, the highest salary, the best lawn, the saddest childhood, the hardest challenges, the biggest problem.  Shouldn't we be caring instead of hating?

I was offered a good job this week.  I am in no position to be turning one down; after all I have been unemployed for half a decade.  I did turn it down though.  It was the realization that I was interviewing the restaurant and not the other way around.  I have to work, sure, but not at the expense of all my resources.  I have reliable and regular daycare.  I am available. It would have been fun to work in a truck stop diner.  Unfortunately, nights and weekends are out of the question.  I need to reserve my back up babysitting for actual emergencies, not occasional evenings and, oops!, every weekend.  I can't go around burning bridges before they are even finished being built.

I will find a job that works for me.  I have applied at more jobs that I can count.  They range from restaurants to corporate firms, call centers to retail stores, part time to full time.  Something will work out.  I will not remain unemployed for long.  

I do know one thing.  All these folks collecting unemployment, complaining that their benefits expire and they cannot be renewed again; the one's who swear they can not find a job.  I have news for them.  They aren't looking hard enough.  There are so many jobs out there right now, despite the rise in statistics we hear on the news night after lonely night.  They may not be super high paying jobs, or even super exciting jobs.  But when you're hungry - why does all that pride matter?  

I am turning into a girl who refuses to be dependent on anyone but myself.  After a long battle for my identity, that much is becoming very clear.  I have to find something; anything.  I will make it work.  You won't see me standing by the side of the freeway holding a sign in this lifetime.  No matter how hard it gets, I'm just going to work harder.

When It Rains, It Snows!

I'm singing in the rain

Just singing in the rain

What a glorious feelin'

I'm happy again.

-Gene Kelly

In movies rain is often a sign that the characters are in some kind of transition... 

and it appears rain works that way in real life too!  

My whole life is truly in the midst of transition.  Sure, everything changed a few months ago, but it is the work that I put into my life now that causes the transition to actual real change.  Yesterday was tough because I dealt with difficult negotiations from dawn until dusk.  In the end, everything worked out beautifully - but it wasn't without a whole lot of effort.  I tried to maintain a positive attitude when all I wanted to maintain was a flying fist.   

Today, in the true spirit of a fresh start, the rain washed away all the negativity.  It was a welcome cleansing of bad energy.  And then the rain turned to snow.  It didn't stick to the ground long or leave us with a blissfully quiet white blanket, but it sparkled and fell so gracefully to the ground.  Snow is peaceful; I found peace in my decisions today.  I was able to look back on yesterday, kiss it goodbye, and breathe new life into the work today.

Next week begins a new chapter for us.    My boys will be in preschool and I will join the workforce again for the first time in nearly 8 years.  Being a stay at home mom was a joyful experience I would not trade back, but I am grateful for this new opportunity.  It will take me where I am most certainly headed. 

Hope!    Prosperity!    Joy!