Dear Santa

I have four amazingly different children.  Each one is incredibly smart, self confident, polite, caring, and honest.  They will defend me, and each other to the death if you challenge them.  Their loyalty to family is unmatched.  I suppose that comes with being young.  Our family has been through hell this year, and yet the children still stick together.  

My oldest daughter kept a very serious secret for as long as she could to protect her younger sister and brothers from losing their father.  She wanted to protect their family, at her own expense, unfortunately.  It was very sad.  She is much stronger than anyone thought possible.  She amazes me more every day.  

My youngest daughter believes in magic.  She wishes on stars, paints pictures of comets, dances without inhibition or rhythm, forgives everyone for everything and has a very big message for Santa this year.  The kids all sat down with their oldest sister and made up their Christmas lists.  They each thought of about 8 toys they wanted and she wrote them out for me to read.  They all thought these were their Santa lists but I misunderstood and sent them to my parents who had asked recently for short lists from each of them.  Last night I sat down on my bed with my youngest daughter who came to me looking very sad and wanted to talk.  

She was on the verge of tears and asked, "Mom, did you already send my list to Santa?"

"Well no, I thought that list was for Papa, so I sent it to him."

"Oh great!", she said with a huge sigh of relief.  "I need to send him a different letter.  I know he's going to send me toys and presents, and whatever he wants to send me, that's OK with me.  I was really, really good this year.  I think I want to send him a different kind of letter."

"Really? What do you mean?  What will your new letter say?", I asked.

"I only want one thing for Christmas, Mom.  I want to have my family.  I just miss them all and think Christmas should be having my family."

My three younger children did lose their father, consequently. It's still in the early stages of determining how much time they get with him, and I'm still very angry and don't trust him around any kids right now.  The entire conversation turned my whole heart inside out.  It poured out love for the forgiving innocence of a six year old wish.  It boiled over in fury for the man who ruined everything.  It folded inside out with nausea because there isn't forgiveness in my heart for him yet.  It made me want to cry.  

Naturally, I explained to my pretty blonde angel that she did have her family - not just for Christmas, but forever.  We will always be her mom, her grandma, her papa, her aunt, her cousin, her brother, her sister.  That little tie that binds us as family can never be broken by anything, not even a crime against another.  Family is always.  It hurt so much to tell her the truth.  I wanted to say, 'ya right, your dad sucks and you don't have to see him ever again'.  But then, reality set in, she will see him.  She does get to keep her family - in a very different way than she wanted, and she feels that heartache right now.

I want to take all their pain and confusion away.  I want to tell them every last disgusting detail so they will be as angry with that part of the family as I am.  I just can't do that to their innocent little hearts.  It isn't fair to tell them the whole truth.  Thank God kids are magic.  They believe in the impossible.  They have real faith and they love absolutely and unconditionally.