Birthday Magic

A little girl 

With a brilliant smile

Turns seven today.

She sings when no one is listening.

She dances when no one is watching.

She rocks out on the piano and the guitar.

Her heart loves without abandon.

She tells the truth without regret.

She has faith stronger than anything.

A day devoted to her every whim, 

Every desire. 

A day she'll live joyfully.

A day to remember forever.

Happy Birthday

Precious Rockstar!

Craisy about Christmas, Craisy for life!

This is a time of year when Christians come out in droves to tell about the coming of their savior.  A birthday.  A day I believe is celebrated like Presidents Day ... not on an actual date, but a day of remembrance - despite it's clear misplacement on a calendar.  (The census that drew them to Jerusalem was a springtime event, after all.)  I am not discounting religion, it too has it's place during this holiday season.  I do believe in God.  I do believe that all paths to God are worthy ones.  I don't believe in the corporate control over organized religion.  I am one who thinks it's just as noble to celebrate God in the quiet of your home as it is to sing in a choir of 500 others on a Sunday morning.  To each their own path; this is after all, a free nation.  I am hoping to highlight another side of the holidays.   

As a mother to four angels, 'tis the season to be watching endless movies starring Santa and his entourage.  The holidays, after all, aren't over. There's the wise men, the feast, the New Year's Eve thing at Time Square - to name a few stops on the seasonal celebratory calendar.  Anyone who put their tree away already is really missing out on the 12 days of Christmas.  Once the shopping is done and Santa shows up, some people like to just hurry up and quit the holiday altogether.  I blame that on the malls.  They pump us full of impulse shopping highs, so naturally we crash as soon as the last gift in unwrapped.  

But I'm the Christmas Chick.  Christmas Craisy.  Call me whatever you want, Christmas, I can do!!!  We celebrate Christmas in stages in my family.  Christmas part two will be on Friday the 6th, as it should be.  We'll drink cider, toast to our love for each other, relish in the gratitude that comes from all the fine things we now aspire to become.  

There's a great line in a fun Christmas movie called "Elf".  Perhaps you've heard of it?  

I like to smile, I like to see smiles, I like the contagious nature of smiling.  I like the joy; the pure happiness it creates.  You can smile on your darkest day, and for that moment you won't be able to deny that it does actually feel a little better.  You can smile at a miserable old man too and chances are, he will indeed smile back.  Smiles are everything. 

Christmas isn't just a season of giving and receiving, as we have all come to know it as.  Christmas is a children's holiday, predating Christianity.  It's a holiday we all should remember begins and ends with children, their smiles and their very nature to experience unabashed joy at the delight of their families!  Children understand the holiday season to be much more than a trip to the mall and a late night of wrapping gifts and bandaging paper cuts.  They behave to the best of their abilities and hope to be rewarded for that with a gift, sure, but more importantly they expect to be loved, hugged and cherished.  They long to be with the people they care for and they delight in the togetherness the holiday brings.  They anticipate kind words in a Christmas card and happily bake cookies for the man in the red suit who took the time to notice how good they are.  

Children sing songs and smile and live every single day with that same joyful smile we plaster on our faces one morning a year.  If we can channel the generosity and joy of a child, we can truly appreciate Christmas for what it is.  Next year, I hope to live every day with that kind of hopefulness.  I don't intend to allow the spirit of the season to fade and then somehow mystically return again for a few weeks next winter.  Christmas marks one day in a long year.  It is my opinion that every day should be lived, not just to it's fullest, but to it's most joyful.  

From Scratch

The holidays are here and a new year is approaching.  This is a time to reflect on the past, face the future and appreciate all the blessings life has served up in a year.  

It's not an easy task, amid the hustle and frenzy, to be truly appreciative and joyful.  Children have it easiest this time of year.  They're allowed, even encouraged, to feel it genuinely.

My life, this year, marks a stop in the road, a landmark - if you will.  Starting over from scratch is no easy task, and yet I've been happy, grateful and positive about it from day one.  

God didn't shut the door and open a window, he shut a window and opened a hundred doors.  

All this hard work is shaping me into a person I can face in the mirror.  I stand back and honestly admit that I am better off at rock bottom than I was at the highest point with "him".  

I could not be more grateful for the lemons life handed me!

I am starting from scratch.  

I could not be more blessed in this fact.

Dear Santa

I have four amazingly different children.  Each one is incredibly smart, self confident, polite, caring, and honest.  They will defend me, and each other to the death if you challenge them.  Their loyalty to family is unmatched.  I suppose that comes with being young.  Our family has been through hell this year, and yet the children still stick together.  

My oldest daughter kept a very serious secret for as long as she could to protect her younger sister and brothers from losing their father.  She wanted to protect their family, at her own expense, unfortunately.  It was very sad.  She is much stronger than anyone thought possible.  She amazes me more every day.  

My youngest daughter believes in magic.  She wishes on stars, paints pictures of comets, dances without inhibition or rhythm, forgives everyone for everything and has a very big message for Santa this year.  The kids all sat down with their oldest sister and made up their Christmas lists.  They each thought of about 8 toys they wanted and she wrote them out for me to read.  They all thought these were their Santa lists but I misunderstood and sent them to my parents who had asked recently for short lists from each of them.  Last night I sat down on my bed with my youngest daughter who came to me looking very sad and wanted to talk.  

She was on the verge of tears and asked, "Mom, did you already send my list to Santa?"

"Well no, I thought that list was for Papa, so I sent it to him."

"Oh great!", she said with a huge sigh of relief.  "I need to send him a different letter.  I know he's going to send me toys and presents, and whatever he wants to send me, that's OK with me.  I was really, really good this year.  I think I want to send him a different kind of letter."

"Really? What do you mean?  What will your new letter say?", I asked.

"I only want one thing for Christmas, Mom.  I want to have my family.  I just miss them all and think Christmas should be having my family."

My three younger children did lose their father, consequently. It's still in the early stages of determining how much time they get with him, and I'm still very angry and don't trust him around any kids right now.  The entire conversation turned my whole heart inside out.  It poured out love for the forgiving innocence of a six year old wish.  It boiled over in fury for the man who ruined everything.  It folded inside out with nausea because there isn't forgiveness in my heart for him yet.  It made me want to cry.  

Naturally, I explained to my pretty blonde angel that she did have her family - not just for Christmas, but forever.  We will always be her mom, her grandma, her papa, her aunt, her cousin, her brother, her sister.  That little tie that binds us as family can never be broken by anything, not even a crime against another.  Family is always.  It hurt so much to tell her the truth.  I wanted to say, 'ya right, your dad sucks and you don't have to see him ever again'.  But then, reality set in, she will see him.  She does get to keep her family - in a very different way than she wanted, and she feels that heartache right now.

I want to take all their pain and confusion away.  I want to tell them every last disgusting detail so they will be as angry with that part of the family as I am.  I just can't do that to their innocent little hearts.  It isn't fair to tell them the whole truth.  Thank God kids are magic.  They believe in the impossible.  They have real faith and they love absolutely and unconditionally.  

Welcome Back to Reality

I have been out of work for a long time.  I have a valid reason, but during hard times like these, that fact does not matter very much.  Staying home and raising small children was a noble venture and I was proud to be a stay at home mom.  

I have read all the articles about working moms vs. stay at home moms - which consequently set women up against one another over such a personal decision it's unfair to continue to print the articles at all.  I often read them, shook my head at both sides, and resigned to not caring what anyone thought of my choice to stay home.  I also refused to take part in the battles to prove my job was harder or more valuable or more important.  I was bound to end up finding someone who disagreed.  I am also fairly certain her points to disagree would have been just as valid as mine.  It was, and still is, a never ending unfair argument.

While we are busy fighting each other over who has it best, and who has it hardest we are missing the opportunities to network our strengths and stand together.  Women are strong; we thrive on helping others.  And yet we consistently don't.  We fight over who has the best shoes, the best husband, the brightest kids, the shiniest car, the cutest handbag, the most notable charity, the highest salary, the best lawn, the saddest childhood, the hardest challenges, the biggest problem.  Shouldn't we be caring instead of hating?

I was offered a good job this week.  I am in no position to be turning one down; after all I have been unemployed for half a decade.  I did turn it down though.  It was the realization that I was interviewing the restaurant and not the other way around.  I have to work, sure, but not at the expense of all my resources.  I have reliable and regular daycare.  I am available. It would have been fun to work in a truck stop diner.  Unfortunately, nights and weekends are out of the question.  I need to reserve my back up babysitting for actual emergencies, not occasional evenings and, oops!, every weekend.  I can't go around burning bridges before they are even finished being built.

I will find a job that works for me.  I have applied at more jobs that I can count.  They range from restaurants to corporate firms, call centers to retail stores, part time to full time.  Something will work out.  I will not remain unemployed for long.  

I do know one thing.  All these folks collecting unemployment, complaining that their benefits expire and they cannot be renewed again; the one's who swear they can not find a job.  I have news for them.  They aren't looking hard enough.  There are so many jobs out there right now, despite the rise in statistics we hear on the news night after lonely night.  They may not be super high paying jobs, or even super exciting jobs.  But when you're hungry - why does all that pride matter?  

I am turning into a girl who refuses to be dependent on anyone but myself.  After a long battle for my identity, that much is becoming very clear.  I have to find something; anything.  I will make it work.  You won't see me standing by the side of the freeway holding a sign in this lifetime.  No matter how hard it gets, I'm just going to work harder.

When It Rains, It Snows!

I'm singing in the rain

Just singing in the rain

What a glorious feelin'

I'm happy again.

-Gene Kelly

In movies rain is often a sign that the characters are in some kind of transition... 

and it appears rain works that way in real life too!  

My whole life is truly in the midst of transition.  Sure, everything changed a few months ago, but it is the work that I put into my life now that causes the transition to actual real change.  Yesterday was tough because I dealt with difficult negotiations from dawn until dusk.  In the end, everything worked out beautifully - but it wasn't without a whole lot of effort.  I tried to maintain a positive attitude when all I wanted to maintain was a flying fist.   

Today, in the true spirit of a fresh start, the rain washed away all the negativity.  It was a welcome cleansing of bad energy.  And then the rain turned to snow.  It didn't stick to the ground long or leave us with a blissfully quiet white blanket, but it sparkled and fell so gracefully to the ground.  Snow is peaceful; I found peace in my decisions today.  I was able to look back on yesterday, kiss it goodbye, and breathe new life into the work today.

Next week begins a new chapter for us.    My boys will be in preschool and I will join the workforce again for the first time in nearly 8 years.  Being a stay at home mom was a joyful experience I would not trade back, but I am grateful for this new opportunity.  It will take me where I am most certainly headed. 

Hope!    Prosperity!    Joy!   

TIGF

My cousin has inspired me, and after the day I had today I cannot ignore the desire to just sit back and really appreciate all the things I am grateful for.  It's a much easier list to deal with than the things I'm upset about.  And to be honest, these days positive thinking really does make everything better.  Even the really challenging things.  So here goes!




1) Text messages.
They brighten my day!  Every single one of them makes me feel good!  I almost do a happy dance before I read them.  I admit it.  I am a text message addict.  I am glad they are unlimited!






2) A warm coat.
It's about as cold as I can handle outside and I actually leave the house now.  A warm coat is necessary and I'm so lucky to have one that keeps me warm.  I will never wear four sweaters at once again!

3) My sister.
If it weren't for her, I would have to be the republican in the family!  Seriously though, she also happens to be a pretty great role model.  I have looked up to her, despite being the oldest, for more years than I care to count.  She pretty much rocks at everything!

4) Tickle FIGGGGHT!
There is no better way to start the day, or end it.  We don't limit ourselves.  Anytime is a good time for an all out fit of the giggles.  We do it whenever the mood strikes.  I love that about my life.





5) Friends.
New friends.  Old friends.  Far away friends.  It's love.  What else can I say?

6) My family.
No, not the kids plus me.  (Well, yes, actually - them too!)  I'm grateful for the whole entire crew!  If it weren't for Facebook I might not see them as often... but that's OK.  I'll take them all however I can get them.

7) HelnGonz.
My dad used to be the coolest guy on earth.  Then he met the coolest chick on earth and now they're the coolest people alive!  Seriously folks, they're so cool they got married at Burning Man, that's cooler than being married by Elvis in Vegas.  Trust me!  Just look at their name.  If you haven't met HelnGonz you are missing out!



8) Tom Petty and Jimi Hendrix!
Day in, day out, since the beginning of time, those dudes have been rocking my house.  I could be on the floor in tears, and then snap out of it instantly with some truly amazing music!  Those two have been lifting my spirits forever.  Seriously.  I mean that.





9) Kisses.
Who doesn't like them?  I get them four times as often as anyone else I know!  Sure, they come with all kinds of sticky fingers and pancake slobber, but those are the greatest!  They would come right after tickle fights if I had to rank these in some kind of preferential order!  Kisses.  Can't live without them.

10) My kids.
They make me Craisy.  They make me smile.  They make my whole entire world better.  These Littles have my heart; my everything.  They are my sun!  I am their sun!  It works.  I have nothing but love for these guys.

Who Really Knows What's Best?

Isn't all of life just a series of trials and errors?  

We go into situations with the best of intentions hoping

 for the greatest possible outcome.
We never know what that outcome will be.  

We're human.  

We make mistakes, 

we leap before we look sometimes 

and we don't always calculate all the possibilities in advance.  

Sometimes we think we know what's best for us and we're wrong.  

Sometimes we do what's best and face intense criticism from our loved ones who may disagree.  

No matter what, 

the outcome is going to be what's best. 

And this is true because we learn.  

Every mistake, 

every error, 

every victory, 

every experience we have as people really, 

teaches us something.  

And learning is at the very core of what makes us so special in this universe.  

We don't just run around on nothing but instinct. 

We live.  We love.  We get hurt.  We make mistakes.  We teach.  We grow.  We learn.  

Sounds Like Expert Advice

Happy Halloween!

This just feels like the best way to wish everyone a safe and happy Halloween.  Whether you're trick or treating, trunk or treating, mall or treating, or heading out to a costume party ... check this out first, it will put you in the mood!  

A Necessary Sacrifice

Tomorrow morning I will drop my kids off for their first visit with their dad since I kicked him out a few months ago.  At least the visit will be supervised. I can rest easy knowing my dad won't let that disgusting creep hurt these kids in any way tomorrow.  

I still don't completely understand how he gets the right to see his kids before the investigation is closed.  I also don't understand why this is becoming more and more my own prison while he still walks free. We live at the scene of the crime and still aren't granted permission to move?  It's our own personal hell and we live here!  How does this make sense?  I'm really disappointed in how truly broken our judicial system is.  

I am trying really hard to accept this thing I cannot change.  I have arranged to have brunch with an old friend.  I am hoping that a few laughs with her will take my mind off the reality of why I'm in town to begin with.  I am seriously worried about being bad company at brunch.  I would hate to be THAT girl.  I am looking forward to finding out what restaurant she picked and meeting her there and letting it all go for a couple hours! 

Awesome!

It's awesome that the harder I work, the better I feel!

Encouragement For Myself

I tend to stay friends with my exes.  It's odd, but when I think about it, they've all been facebook friends too, at least for a while.  I also have the tendency toward staying friends with all my old friends.  I mean the real friends, the good ones, the ones I couldn't imagine my life without at some point.  I love everyone; it is who I am at the most basic level.  Some may call it a weakness, I think of it as a strength.  I will admit this trait has gotten the best of me at times.  It isn't as fun as it sounds.  I am open to being crushed by just about anyone over things most people wouldn't spend 30 seconds worrying about.  It has also opened some doors to some amazing friends that I otherwise may not ever have anything in common with.  I still talk to the girl I lived next door to when I was six.  I still have really entertaining conversations with the first boy I ever kissed.  I still remember each and every time I had my heart broken, down to the really uncomfortable details.  I remember both hearts that I have broken myself.  Yes, there were only two, and to be fair, one of them was mine.  This isn't some declaration of absolution, I just have the kind of heart that treads lightly and breaks easily.  These are things I really don't mind sharing, but very rarely ever do.

A few months ago I had the rug pulled out from under my life.  Everything changed because I had reacted to circumstances beyond my comprehension with a sense of duty and obligation.  I waited to feel the effects of the changes we went through.  I waited for the heartbreak.  I waited for the feeling of rejection that inevitably follows.  I waited and waited and waited.  It never came.  I never cried.  I didn't regret.  I wasn't sad or lonely. I never went through any typical "end of relationship" blues.  Maybe that was because I had a stronger sense of purpose.  Maybe that was because I had amazing friends who stepped in time with me for a few weeks straight and never let me stumble.  Maybe that is because I have rocks for parents.  Maybe that is because everyone I know understands, empathizes, and encourages me to keep at it.  Whatever it is, I am grateful I can reflect on my feelings for my X and say only one thing about him ...  

Reflecting on the last few months has opened my eyes even more.  I had an old friend stop by today unexpectedly.  I hadn't seen her since late last spring.  I answered the door in my pajamas, with my hair a total wreck, the house was a mess and I was just about to have my morning coffee.  (Me: before morning coffee, is a little frightening.)  I opened the door and stepped out front and closed the door behind me.  And the first thing out of her mouth was a shock to hear.  She said, "Wow! You look and sound and seem so much more relaxed than I've ever seen you before.  What changed since I saw you last?"  

I laughed out loud because I was thinking to myself as I opened the door, 'Oh no I haven't showered or had coffee, I'm a total mess, yesterday was unkind and today I feel it hard.  Oh I hope she doesn't mind I'm just completely nuts right now'.  And then my ears caught up, my nerves calmed down and I realized she just noticed how much my life had changed and I hadn't said anything but "Hi!".  

So we sat on the porch and I gave her the 5 minute re-cap.  She added that she sees a completely different woman in me now than she knew before and she was happy about it.  She's coming back tomorrow so we can have coffee and catch up.  In my head I've been shouting all day, 'But she noticed I'm not that same crazy, imprisoned woman anymore.  I am free and someone I didn't have to tell noticed it right away'.  I wonder how many other people see a different person when they see me now too?

Better still, I wonder how different I will seem in just a few more months at this rate?  I have a renewed sense of confidence.  I have a renewed hope in life.  I have a renewed outlook.  I am changing.  I am changing every day.  And you know something else ... 

Andy was right!

Someone had to say it

I have had one hell of a day! 

 This just feels appropriate.

Happy Food Day!

Today just happens to be Food Day.  I stumbled upon this fact in my ever expanding search for my future best job ever.  Shall I write a book, a cookbook, teach a class, run a consulting firm, or counsel patients in better nutrition?  How about I do all of the above?  Well, folks, that's the plan!  I promise not to try and convert my friends and family into some kind of vegan cult.  I dream of nutrition for better reasons, cross my heart!

As most of you already know, my six year old daughter has allergies just like I did.  What most of you don't already know is that my two year old son also has food allergies.  I know this seems silly because it doesn't affect you personally, but food allergies is becoming more common with each passing year.  Treatable and preventable diet related diseases and sensitivities are becoming a big issue, not just here - but worldwide I'm sure too.  We've been eating this way since the 50's and relying strictly on medicine to treat our discomforts for at least that long as well.  I am discovering how we have the power to change that.  Organic produce is a nice start, but radical changes are necessary in even the organic industry for that to truly provide a solution.  We are not powerless though.  We can choose to eat however we want.  Each of us has a unique digestive system and goal in life.  No two diets are supposed to be alike.  I'll eat my food; you eat yours.  

I intend to go on feeding my kids what is individually best for them without becoming some kind of short order cook.  I am learning what they like.  I am still feeding them chips, because eliminating the foods you love is like taking away roller skates because you already have a bicycle, but I'm buying them chips based upon an ingredients list I can pronounce.  Doritos are becoming a thing of the past while the kids acquire the taste for no msg.  Well rounded lives need well rounded diets.  To be perfectly clear, the word diet has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss.  If you diet for weight loss and don't continue eating that way when you reach your goal then your diet was for nothing.  Diet is a way of life.  We eat to live, we live to eat, we love to eat the foods we love.  It all fits into our lifestyle.  

Happy Food Day!!  Eat well, and live happy!