Encouragement For Myself

I tend to stay friends with my exes.  It's odd, but when I think about it, they've all been facebook friends too, at least for a while.  I also have the tendency toward staying friends with all my old friends.  I mean the real friends, the good ones, the ones I couldn't imagine my life without at some point.  I love everyone; it is who I am at the most basic level.  Some may call it a weakness, I think of it as a strength.  I will admit this trait has gotten the best of me at times.  It isn't as fun as it sounds.  I am open to being crushed by just about anyone over things most people wouldn't spend 30 seconds worrying about.  It has also opened some doors to some amazing friends that I otherwise may not ever have anything in common with.  I still talk to the girl I lived next door to when I was six.  I still have really entertaining conversations with the first boy I ever kissed.  I still remember each and every time I had my heart broken, down to the really uncomfortable details.  I remember both hearts that I have broken myself.  Yes, there were only two, and to be fair, one of them was mine.  This isn't some declaration of absolution, I just have the kind of heart that treads lightly and breaks easily.  These are things I really don't mind sharing, but very rarely ever do.

A few months ago I had the rug pulled out from under my life.  Everything changed because I had reacted to circumstances beyond my comprehension with a sense of duty and obligation.  I waited to feel the effects of the changes we went through.  I waited for the heartbreak.  I waited for the feeling of rejection that inevitably follows.  I waited and waited and waited.  It never came.  I never cried.  I didn't regret.  I wasn't sad or lonely. I never went through any typical "end of relationship" blues.  Maybe that was because I had a stronger sense of purpose.  Maybe that was because I had amazing friends who stepped in time with me for a few weeks straight and never let me stumble.  Maybe that is because I have rocks for parents.  Maybe that is because everyone I know understands, empathizes, and encourages me to keep at it.  Whatever it is, I am grateful I can reflect on my feelings for my X and say only one thing about him ...  

Reflecting on the last few months has opened my eyes even more.  I had an old friend stop by today unexpectedly.  I hadn't seen her since late last spring.  I answered the door in my pajamas, with my hair a total wreck, the house was a mess and I was just about to have my morning coffee.  (Me: before morning coffee, is a little frightening.)  I opened the door and stepped out front and closed the door behind me.  And the first thing out of her mouth was a shock to hear.  She said, "Wow! You look and sound and seem so much more relaxed than I've ever seen you before.  What changed since I saw you last?"  

I laughed out loud because I was thinking to myself as I opened the door, 'Oh no I haven't showered or had coffee, I'm a total mess, yesterday was unkind and today I feel it hard.  Oh I hope she doesn't mind I'm just completely nuts right now'.  And then my ears caught up, my nerves calmed down and I realized she just noticed how much my life had changed and I hadn't said anything but "Hi!".  

So we sat on the porch and I gave her the 5 minute re-cap.  She added that she sees a completely different woman in me now than she knew before and she was happy about it.  She's coming back tomorrow so we can have coffee and catch up.  In my head I've been shouting all day, 'But she noticed I'm not that same crazy, imprisoned woman anymore.  I am free and someone I didn't have to tell noticed it right away'.  I wonder how many other people see a different person when they see me now too?

Better still, I wonder how different I will seem in just a few more months at this rate?  I have a renewed sense of confidence.  I have a renewed hope in life.  I have a renewed outlook.  I am changing.  I am changing every day.  And you know something else ... 

Andy was right!