The Cycle of Abuse Stops with ME

My whole focus has been on rebuilding and moving forward.  I'm working my tail off to put the shattered pieces of my life back together in a way I can live with tomorrow.  I accept it as a challenge and take each day head on.  I just need the courage to stand up for myself and the conviction to remain standing.

I have mistaken the idea of forgiveness for permission.  I have repeatedly granted permission to keep walking all over me, time and time again, to friend, after friend, after friend.  I can thank a motherless childhood for that "fear of abandonment complex" that drives this very behavior.  It's been a lifelong battle to keep my friends, even when they don't deserve me.  Hell, it's that very mentality that kept me in a broken marriage for 4 years and an abusive relationship with a sociopath for 8.  I just wanted the love.  I just wanted the acceptance.  In hindsight, I was broken.  I need a 12 step program for my addiction to abuse.

I am hurt.  I am angry.  Mostly I am shocked by how much it hurts.

It was a painful admission to acknowledge I was failing to teach my children adequately.  It was humiliating to accept defeat and embrace the changes that needed to be made.  I was in tears, crying over what I had to do, and worried about how I would handle the unfortunate outcome.  I didn't come upon this moment in time lightly, as a matter of fact it tore me up inside.  Working so hard towards a goal I realized was not mine to reach was gut wrenching.  This personal outcry was not kept in confidence. I'm sure it began with the kindest of intentions.  I can hardly remember the exact words I used, as I was in an emotional state... and yet it was inadvertently shared and then misunderstood and I was confronted and needed to apologize.  

I have curve balls thrown at me almost every single day.  I think I'm handling it all extremely well and growing more for the experience.  I would like to think that any misunderstanding would work itself out.  I would like to think that people wouldn't gossip about these challenges in my life, but would instead be understanding and supportive.  I would like to believe that taking a little space to breathe in between challenges wouldn't be misinterpreted as being selfish or bitchy.  Don't I have enough to fight about right now on my plate?  Between fighting in court, fighting for daycare, fighting for college classes, fighting for a job - fighting; essentially for security and stability.  It's enough fighting to last me a lifetime.