Happy Halloween!

This just feels like the best way to wish everyone a safe and happy Halloween.  Whether you're trick or treating, trunk or treating, mall or treating, or heading out to a costume party ... check this out first, it will put you in the mood!  

A Necessary Sacrifice

Tomorrow morning I will drop my kids off for their first visit with their dad since I kicked him out a few months ago.  At least the visit will be supervised. I can rest easy knowing my dad won't let that disgusting creep hurt these kids in any way tomorrow.  

I still don't completely understand how he gets the right to see his kids before the investigation is closed.  I also don't understand why this is becoming more and more my own prison while he still walks free. We live at the scene of the crime and still aren't granted permission to move?  It's our own personal hell and we live here!  How does this make sense?  I'm really disappointed in how truly broken our judicial system is.  

I am trying really hard to accept this thing I cannot change.  I have arranged to have brunch with an old friend.  I am hoping that a few laughs with her will take my mind off the reality of why I'm in town to begin with.  I am seriously worried about being bad company at brunch.  I would hate to be THAT girl.  I am looking forward to finding out what restaurant she picked and meeting her there and letting it all go for a couple hours! 

Awesome!

It's awesome that the harder I work, the better I feel!

Encouragement For Myself

I tend to stay friends with my exes.  It's odd, but when I think about it, they've all been facebook friends too, at least for a while.  I also have the tendency toward staying friends with all my old friends.  I mean the real friends, the good ones, the ones I couldn't imagine my life without at some point.  I love everyone; it is who I am at the most basic level.  Some may call it a weakness, I think of it as a strength.  I will admit this trait has gotten the best of me at times.  It isn't as fun as it sounds.  I am open to being crushed by just about anyone over things most people wouldn't spend 30 seconds worrying about.  It has also opened some doors to some amazing friends that I otherwise may not ever have anything in common with.  I still talk to the girl I lived next door to when I was six.  I still have really entertaining conversations with the first boy I ever kissed.  I still remember each and every time I had my heart broken, down to the really uncomfortable details.  I remember both hearts that I have broken myself.  Yes, there were only two, and to be fair, one of them was mine.  This isn't some declaration of absolution, I just have the kind of heart that treads lightly and breaks easily.  These are things I really don't mind sharing, but very rarely ever do.

A few months ago I had the rug pulled out from under my life.  Everything changed because I had reacted to circumstances beyond my comprehension with a sense of duty and obligation.  I waited to feel the effects of the changes we went through.  I waited for the heartbreak.  I waited for the feeling of rejection that inevitably follows.  I waited and waited and waited.  It never came.  I never cried.  I didn't regret.  I wasn't sad or lonely. I never went through any typical "end of relationship" blues.  Maybe that was because I had a stronger sense of purpose.  Maybe that was because I had amazing friends who stepped in time with me for a few weeks straight and never let me stumble.  Maybe that is because I have rocks for parents.  Maybe that is because everyone I know understands, empathizes, and encourages me to keep at it.  Whatever it is, I am grateful I can reflect on my feelings for my X and say only one thing about him ...  

Reflecting on the last few months has opened my eyes even more.  I had an old friend stop by today unexpectedly.  I hadn't seen her since late last spring.  I answered the door in my pajamas, with my hair a total wreck, the house was a mess and I was just about to have my morning coffee.  (Me: before morning coffee, is a little frightening.)  I opened the door and stepped out front and closed the door behind me.  And the first thing out of her mouth was a shock to hear.  She said, "Wow! You look and sound and seem so much more relaxed than I've ever seen you before.  What changed since I saw you last?"  

I laughed out loud because I was thinking to myself as I opened the door, 'Oh no I haven't showered or had coffee, I'm a total mess, yesterday was unkind and today I feel it hard.  Oh I hope she doesn't mind I'm just completely nuts right now'.  And then my ears caught up, my nerves calmed down and I realized she just noticed how much my life had changed and I hadn't said anything but "Hi!".  

So we sat on the porch and I gave her the 5 minute re-cap.  She added that she sees a completely different woman in me now than she knew before and she was happy about it.  She's coming back tomorrow so we can have coffee and catch up.  In my head I've been shouting all day, 'But she noticed I'm not that same crazy, imprisoned woman anymore.  I am free and someone I didn't have to tell noticed it right away'.  I wonder how many other people see a different person when they see me now too?

Better still, I wonder how different I will seem in just a few more months at this rate?  I have a renewed sense of confidence.  I have a renewed hope in life.  I have a renewed outlook.  I am changing.  I am changing every day.  And you know something else ... 

Andy was right!

Someone had to say it

I have had one hell of a day! 

 This just feels appropriate.

Happy Food Day!

Today just happens to be Food Day.  I stumbled upon this fact in my ever expanding search for my future best job ever.  Shall I write a book, a cookbook, teach a class, run a consulting firm, or counsel patients in better nutrition?  How about I do all of the above?  Well, folks, that's the plan!  I promise not to try and convert my friends and family into some kind of vegan cult.  I dream of nutrition for better reasons, cross my heart!

As most of you already know, my six year old daughter has allergies just like I did.  What most of you don't already know is that my two year old son also has food allergies.  I know this seems silly because it doesn't affect you personally, but food allergies is becoming more common with each passing year.  Treatable and preventable diet related diseases and sensitivities are becoming a big issue, not just here - but worldwide I'm sure too.  We've been eating this way since the 50's and relying strictly on medicine to treat our discomforts for at least that long as well.  I am discovering how we have the power to change that.  Organic produce is a nice start, but radical changes are necessary in even the organic industry for that to truly provide a solution.  We are not powerless though.  We can choose to eat however we want.  Each of us has a unique digestive system and goal in life.  No two diets are supposed to be alike.  I'll eat my food; you eat yours.  

I intend to go on feeding my kids what is individually best for them without becoming some kind of short order cook.  I am learning what they like.  I am still feeding them chips, because eliminating the foods you love is like taking away roller skates because you already have a bicycle, but I'm buying them chips based upon an ingredients list I can pronounce.  Doritos are becoming a thing of the past while the kids acquire the taste for no msg.  Well rounded lives need well rounded diets.  To be perfectly clear, the word diet has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss.  If you diet for weight loss and don't continue eating that way when you reach your goal then your diet was for nothing.  Diet is a way of life.  We eat to live, we live to eat, we love to eat the foods we love.  It all fits into our lifestyle.  

Happy Food Day!!  Eat well, and live happy!  

The Cycle of Abuse Stops with ME

My whole focus has been on rebuilding and moving forward.  I'm working my tail off to put the shattered pieces of my life back together in a way I can live with tomorrow.  I accept it as a challenge and take each day head on.  I just need the courage to stand up for myself and the conviction to remain standing.

I have mistaken the idea of forgiveness for permission.  I have repeatedly granted permission to keep walking all over me, time and time again, to friend, after friend, after friend.  I can thank a motherless childhood for that "fear of abandonment complex" that drives this very behavior.  It's been a lifelong battle to keep my friends, even when they don't deserve me.  Hell, it's that very mentality that kept me in a broken marriage for 4 years and an abusive relationship with a sociopath for 8.  I just wanted the love.  I just wanted the acceptance.  In hindsight, I was broken.  I need a 12 step program for my addiction to abuse.

I am hurt.  I am angry.  Mostly I am shocked by how much it hurts.

It was a painful admission to acknowledge I was failing to teach my children adequately.  It was humiliating to accept defeat and embrace the changes that needed to be made.  I was in tears, crying over what I had to do, and worried about how I would handle the unfortunate outcome.  I didn't come upon this moment in time lightly, as a matter of fact it tore me up inside.  Working so hard towards a goal I realized was not mine to reach was gut wrenching.  This personal outcry was not kept in confidence. I'm sure it began with the kindest of intentions.  I can hardly remember the exact words I used, as I was in an emotional state... and yet it was inadvertently shared and then misunderstood and I was confronted and needed to apologize.  

I have curve balls thrown at me almost every single day.  I think I'm handling it all extremely well and growing more for the experience.  I would like to think that any misunderstanding would work itself out.  I would like to think that people wouldn't gossip about these challenges in my life, but would instead be understanding and supportive.  I would like to believe that taking a little space to breathe in between challenges wouldn't be misinterpreted as being selfish or bitchy.  Don't I have enough to fight about right now on my plate?  Between fighting in court, fighting for daycare, fighting for college classes, fighting for a job - fighting; essentially for security and stability.  It's enough fighting to last me a lifetime.

Free as a Bird

I recently realized there are exactly 5 birds in this picture. I took it from the wharf in Santa Barbara a little more than a year ago on a day out with my aunt and cousin. I am suddenly connecting to these birds. Uncanny that there aren't six. Should there be six? Naah!

Fly free!

In the meantime see what we accomplished today!

10:00 AM

1:00 PM

2:00 PM

3:00 PM

4:00 PM

4:45 PM

5:00 PM-7:30 PM

7:30 PM

Til 9:30 PM

Bedtime!

Today was the last day in a string of four very stressful days. I had a lot to overcome and I had to get really creative at certain points. I am not sure everything worked out the way I wanted it to, but I am certain it worked out the way it was meant to. I really do think that some very good things came from the experiences these last few days presented! For us, every tomorrow is another new beginning. Starting a whole life from scratch can be equal parts exhilarating and exhausting. The lessons I learn on any given day are liberating! We really are like those 5 birds, flying free into the unknown. And for that realization I am really grateful!!!

The tough get going

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to 

succeed is more important 

than any other one thing."

- Abraham Lincoln

Like

I am sure everyone is familiar with the "Like" button.  

At the top of this blog you'll find one.  

Click it once for me please.  

Thank You.

Critical What?

I have been studying the latest Algebra textbook from the college library in efforts to not repeat the same course I took three times in High School.  It has proven to be quite a challenge.  I want to be a writer, not an Algebra teacher.  "Why do I need this?"  I asked this question at least 15 times a semester and always got the same answer, "Because you do."  Don't those math teachers know they're using improper grammar?  How did they land that job?  They couldn't even explain to me how math translated into real world experience.  Well, I'm starting to figure out where it applies to me, considering I'll probably never become a builder, a designer or an engineer.

I have a few theories.  

1) Algebra unlocks the half of my brain that writing almost never knocks on.  Logic and reason, problem solving, a drive to accomplish more than expected.  Without the painful Algebra experience I might never put down the pen and think like a man.  I get it.  No wonder I have four kids and no career.  I was the creative, nurturing type.  But there's more to me than that!  Algebra will help get me there.  It will put that frustration and tediousness to good use.  One day I'm going to have to use these logical brain functions to - I don't know, work harder!  

2) Algebra is preparing me for the boss who never answers my question in a clear fashion.  We all know the type, they usually answer a question with another question or sometimes just a condescending look. I'll take this newly unlocked critical thinking process to the real world and make better decisions.  So when I get that question to question response I'll find the answer myself and later not have to ask at all.  I'll grow a pair, so to speak.  

3)  Algebra pushes frustrated feelings to such an extreme that coping skills are a natural byproduct.  That seems pretty fair to me.  Less grumbling and complaining, more solving.  As a woman I was always allowed to just express my feelings and not many people held me accountable for finding a solution.  It's something I realized during the last year or two as I explored what was making me so unhappy with my life.  It's where "shut up and do something about it was born".  A good friend, who never holds back on calling me on the bullshit, had inspired me to say it.  I wrote it down that night.  I will never forget that empowering feeling that followed.  Complaining never got me anywhere.  I was finally looking in the mirror of my own discontent and saw that I held the solutions. 

So you see, algebra is a locked door.  I have made peace with the work it involves to acquire the key and am looking forward to see all the worlds it will open up into someday!  

Until then, 2(3x + 4) = 3x + 2[3(x-1) + 2]!

Through My Looking Glass

Blogging is not something I have taken any time to do in recent months.  So much has changed since that first and only post that it's almost hard for me to read now.  So long, handsome husband!  To be clear there is no fondness left in that farewell.  The man, whom was never actually my husband, turned out to be a liar.  As it turns out nearly everything I ever believed to be true about him rounded out to be a facade he had created to convince the world he belongs.  Learning the truth the hard way has set me free!  

To quote MLK Jr., "Free at last, free at last.  Thank God, Almighty, we are free at last!"  

It's exciting to realize I am meeting my goals.  I am enrolled in college.  I am in the active process of quitting smoking.  I found God, and what that means to me is entirely personal - but suffice to say it's the same God you're thinking of - regardless of who you and what you believe.  I've discovered my political affiliations and will probably never bother to bring them up again.  I am no longer interested in going Vegan.  Have you ever eaten seaweed?  I now know for certain that it's not for me!  Finally, proving to myself and the kids something about success being a state of mind? Please!  Success is shutting up and doing something about it when life gets hard.  

I've been so busy moving forward in the last few months that I haven't taken a single minute to reflect on where that journey has taken me.  I've joined the ranks of modern society and started using a cell phone.

  I also got a kick ass pair of boots and a really bad haircut.  

Not everything is easy but I've thoroughly enjoyed the challenges.  Well, almost all of them.  At the moment I have to learn how to remove toys from the toilet and reseal it to the bathroom floor.  I am not looking forward to that adventure.  Plucky Duck was cute when ducky went down the hole, because ducky came back.  My boys aren't so lucky.  

To bring it all to a close tonight, I realize I have new goals - pushing forward one day at a time has left me wanting more from life.  I am a single mother, sure, but I want to be an independent woman.  I want a career that doesn't suck up my whole life but adds life to it.  I want my kids to be proud of me.  I want to be proud of myself.  Most of all I want to live my life in a way where I don't worry about what anyone else thinks.